AI™ Article: Everyone does the best they can

Articles

Everyone does the best
they can — always!

By Dr. Fern Kazlow

This attitude changes the way you experience
the world, the way your life feels, even who
you are. People who believe that “everyone does
the best they can” tend to have an easier, more
relaxed life. People who don’t believe it feel more
negative, stuck, angry, frustrated and even hopeless.

The good news is: even if you don’t believe everyone does
their best, adopting this stance, even opening to the possibility that it is true, changes things for the better — immediately. This happened with Jan, the single mom of 13 year-old Amanda, whose relationship was a constant struggle. Jan thought that Amanda should handle her anger better and help around the house. She felt Amanda was selfish and difficult and saw herself as a bad mother. At first she resisted the idea that Amanda was doing the best she could. She feared that if she was more accepting, she would have to lower her standards and Amanda would become even less cooperative. However, after shifting her thinking, to seeing Amanda as doing her best, Jan found that Amanda had fewer outbursts, was more helpful, and their whole relationship improved.

Let's see how this might work for you. Think of something someone has done that upsets you, something you think they “shouldn’t have done”—perhaps your colleague has taken credit for a project you did together, your child cut school, your spouse isn't doing his or her share. When you think of this individual, how do you feel if you decide he or she should have done better? Pay attention to your body and your thoughts. Does your body feel easy and comfortable or is it tight, heavy, and tense? What are you thinking about that person — selfish, lazy or stupid? Most likely, you’re not happy or feeling very good. Also notice the story you created to support your anger and desire to be right.

Now try this: think about what that person did but tell yourself they did the best they could — if they could have done better, they would have. Remind yourself that you really don’t know what is best for them anyway. How does your body feel now—lighter, more comfortable, more relaxed? Again, you will probably create a story: they didn’t know better, felt trapped and scared, followed a bad crowd, etc. This time, your story probably supports a more positive view of others and the world. When you focus on how you feel, you are probably more at peace than in the last scenario.

Believing that we all do the best we can is not meant to be Pollyannaish or to let people off the hook. I’m not suggesting you should be pleased with or ignore their “negative” behavior. It doesn’t mean they can’t do better the next time. It only means that, at a certain moment, it was the best they could do. They shouldn't have done done something different because the reality is they did what they did. Arguing with reality never works!

How do I know this? The truth is: I can’t know it for sure. On the other hand, how do we absolutely know anyone could have done better? You may say they knew or did better in the past, but we simply can’t know what they are capable of in the present.

People can only do their best, whether or not we think their best is misguided or wrong. When we decide others could have done better—we get stuck. Years of clinical practice have shown me that holding the attitude that everyone does the best they can makes life work better. Is it easy to adopt this attitude? No! It involves breaking lifelong habits and long-standing beliefs about change, motivation and right versus wrong. However, with determination, consistent practice and effective tools, we can change our attitude and our livesl

People usually want to feel better, get better results and accomplish something positive. They work with the abilities they have and what’s been modeled for them. Even individuals who appear to be self-destructive are usually trying to achieve something — whether it's the pain or rejection they think they deserve or a misguided attempt to find love and acceptance. Sometimes people are simply responding to triggers or repeating old habits.

When we feel someone should have done something differently, what happens? We feel angry, and they too get angry and defensive. Things get locked in, and patterns get more rigid. On the other hand, when you think someone is doing the best they can, both of you can relax — the fight is over, and it’s easier to understand each other, even if you have different positions. The possibility for change emerges.

I learned a lot about this working with James, an 18-year-old former client. I had a very young 1-pound puppy in our sessions and she had an “accident.” I showed her the papers to use and cleaned up the mess. James was shocked that I didn’t hit the puppy. “If you don't hit or beat her, how will she learn?” James said that this is how everyone learns and cited this as the teaching method used in his family. Had he not seen a different way, he would have disciplined his puppy or children the same way his parents had - the best they knew at the time.

While disturbing for me to think of anyone hitting a small child or puppy, I accepted James, a youngster himself. This helped him to make fundamental changes. Frequently, we don't have the advantage of understanding the reasons underlying a behavior. While we may decide that a situation or what someone is doing isn't “right,” it may be part of a grander plan initiated by a “higher power.” In any case, we can choose to hold the view that everyone is doing their best.

We may be quick to negatively judge an alcoholic’s behavior. But, often, addicted people are using a drug to handle their emotional pain so they can move forward in life. Dave started drinking with the kids in school. When he found that alcohol and later drugs lessened his feelings of anxiety and rage; it wasn't long before he was hooked. His goal of trying to feel better is acceptable; only the method chosen is unacceptable.

When trying to change our own thinking, the process is even trickier. When you think you could have done better, it weakens you. You get stuck, put yourself down, make excuses or rationalize that you really couldn’t do better anyway. This kind of thinking is usually an unsuccessful attempt to make yourself feel better, punish yourself for seeming misdeeds or motivate yourself to do better in the future. “If I accept the way I'm eating, I'll be fatter than I am now.”

This is not to say that we shouldn’t think that we or others can do better. But that is different than bemoaning the fact we didn’t do better — or believing things would have been better if we had behaved differently — something we can't be certain about.

Think about something you wish you had done differently and accept that, at the time, you did the best you could. Don’t judge it. How does that feel? This frees you to more effectively strive for what you want in every area of your life.

This is not a make-nice, no-accountability scheme. Believing that you and others are doing the best you can doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible, shouldn't be punished, divorced or educated. However, it paves the way for growth and greater healing. Overall, life just flows more smoothly. In addition, your relationships with others will change when you hold that they did the best they could. You are less likely to get embroiled in arguments or to take whatever they did personally.

Again, what proof do I have? Experience has shown me that following this principle leads to a richer life and more contentment. Blaming ourselves or others rarely results in such positive outcomes. The choice to look at yourself and everyone else as doing their best — and to benefit from how this new perspective transforms your life — is yours.

Dr. Fern Kazlow, Ed.D., is CEO of Kazlow International LLC. A licensed clinical psychotherapist, educator, author, and pioneer in mind-body healing, Dr. Kazlow founded Integrative Therapy and Integrative Action™ in New York City in 1981. She has expanded this work in the Kazlow Method™, providing a pathway to increase your authentic wealth and power in every area of your life.

Dr. Kazlow has served as mentor and consultant to health professionals, entrepreneurs, Wall Street executives, and business professionals. She created the Rapid Wealth System™ to increase your income and expand the riches throughout your life. The Predictable Jackpot™: Secrets of the Rapid Wealth System™ is the first part of her home study program.

For more information visit www.drfernkazlow.com or email Dr. Kazlow. For new articles, check back often.